being and doing in relations

I've never really been good at having friends and back when I had a girlfriend I wasn't good at 'having her' either. I have some basic problems relating to God as well and I've given these problems alot of thought individually but that the problem in these three relations is the same never occured to me before a couple of days ago. I'd ask myself whether it was just my personality? -the fact that I'm really sanguine and flighty, moving too fast from person to person to stop myself?

Well, no doubt that's a factor but the other day the main reason occured to me and again it traces back to my childhood. (Point for Freud!) My father's a practical kinda guy, the guy that fixes everything himself. He grew up on a farm with six siblings in an environment where relating to others was almost scoffed at. My older brother's pretty good at fixing stuff too and has always been carving stuff if he wasn't out working hard to make money. He's basically the one who's inherited alot of my father's traits while I got my mother's sanguinity and ease of relating. This made me think throughout my late childhood - early teens that my dad didn't really appreciate me so I would work at getting his attention and approval, trying to be practical, fixing stuff and so on.. Now what has this got to do with my relational problems to my friends and ex.?`

Thinking about it, I realised that I'd gotten used to thinking that I had to do/work/perform/be active to gain worth in the eyes of my (Heavenly) father. This also means that today I have a really hard time just being with others without doing. Constantly doing things attempting to strengthen the bond between me and my friends, me and my ex. and me and God.

So now I'm working on really understanding the basic fact that in God's eyes I'm worth the sacrifice of His Son whether I can pray for hours on end or not. Actually this is also the reason that I've never really 'been good at' having my quiet times. I've always thought that I had to say all the right things, work hard at the right heart attitude, quote the right scriptures to gain another emotional experience with God. When all this about just being together with God occured to me I had my first quiet time where I didn't say anything and just let myself rest with God.. [smile] Still a long way to go to implement it in the rest of my life though.

Okay, I don't even wanna read back over this post 'cos I'll make myself rewrite the whole thing.. hmpf!